Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
