You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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