I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
