Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
