He asked to "fluff my boner.."
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
