the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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