There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
