She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
