I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
