I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
