I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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