I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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