i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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