But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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