i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
