meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
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It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
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they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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