I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
