I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
