does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Welp...herpes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
