so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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