Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
