Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
