I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
