So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
