my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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