Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
