woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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