Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
