so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
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THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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