i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
