I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
