I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
