I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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