Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
