Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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