I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
