that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
