i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
