you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
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I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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