i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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