So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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