So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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