I heard we made out
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
