don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
