Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
