Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
