addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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