our cab driver is having phone sex.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
