hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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