PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
