i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
