all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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