i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
