so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
