Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
