Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
