this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
