You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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