We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
worst night to have a conscience
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
